His legend! Shall I tell you it?

[terralventhe]

Orias: ..Ya know, I did an Excalibur-styled retelling of Archer's life on 4chan once.
Orias: Basically, it was around the time we were all having another Type-Moon binge on /a/
Orias: And we kinda realized somethin' upon studying the notes on Counter-Guardians
Orias: Basically, a heroic spirit like Archer, who isn't a 'true hero' but more of a dark hero or whatever, doesn't really have a huge following like for example King Arthur would.
Orias: The more people speak of a hero's legend and such, and are aware of it, the more that heroic spirit ascends the ladder to the point that they don't have to act as a Counter-Guardian.
Orias: So we devised that if enough people knew of and 'hero worshipped' Archer, he would be released from his duties XD
Orias: Thus began a swarm of Archer chatter that resulted in me annoying/entertaining people with my 'His Legend began in the 20th century!' XD

This.. is that story:

Let me tell you of his legend! It began in the 20th century, during winter. But despite it being winter, it was not very cold during the beginning of his legend. That is because everything was on fire! But it was not a normal forest fire or anything like that. Because it was winter, you see. And forest fires usually happen during the summer, because it's hot, and the sun can cause them. So, it is obvious that this was not a normal forest fire. Also, it was not a forest that was burning in the first place. It was a park, and a residential district next to it. Naturally, then, this was neither a forest fire because it was both winter, and it was not a forest.

Anyway. His legend began in the 20th century. During winter. But his true story did not begin until the 21st century in winter. But because every legend must have a beginning, we shall talk of the legend that began in the 20th century with a fire that was not a forest fire because it was winter and not in a forest, and not the 21st where there was no fire, or forest.

In any case. Did you know that his legend started in a fire? It was because he disobeyed his parents who told him to wait in the doorway because of some panic. But he did not wait. Because he was that kind of man. Some would later say that he was a very complex man at heart. Others would say that he was a simpleton. But perhaps it was more that he went his own way in life. Or maybe he really was a simpleton. After all, he did not watch the news very often and would spend much of his time cooking. Ah, but to know how to cook, one must know what to do. So maybe he really was a complex man after all. Or maybe he cooked and did not watch the news because he followed his own path. In any case, he did not obey his parents, and he left the doorway. And so his house and parents burned to the ground. This is because he was disobedient. However, his punishment was not fully served yet. This is because fate does not stay its hand at night. And it was at night that this fire took place. And because it was a fire, he was caught in it. And so he nearly died, because of his disobedience!

Now! He nearly died in his legend. But obviously he did not die or else he would not have fulfilled his true legend in the 21st century and not this legend which begins in the 20th century in a fire that is not a forest fire because it is a park and it is winter. However, whether he did die or did not die some people do not know. Some say that he did die and that all that remained was a new person. Others say that this does not make sense and that they should listen to simple medical science. However, both are stupid panderings of lesser minds. But he nearly died.

That was until he was saved. There were people who could not be saved, and nobody was there to save him, but he was saved in the end anyway. And because he was saved, he would live so that he could fulfill his true legend in the 21st century during winter. When he was saved, because he was nearly dead, he had a magical sheath shoved into his chest by the man who did the saving him thereof. Medical science suggests that because of the size of the sheath, his body at this age would not have been able to carry it. But this is stupid pandering. But after he was saved he was adopted. But he was not like most adopted children. This is because adopted children are not often told that they are adopted, and so they resent their parents when they find out on their own. He, on the other hand, always knew that he was adopted. And so he did not resent his new parent. That is why he decided to become like his parent.

That is how his legend began in the 20th century, during winter in a fire that was not a forest fire, because it was winter and not in a forest.

Now we shall take a ten minute break to drink tea!

Now that we have had our tea, let us speak of his true legend which began in the 21st century! Since his adoption, he had grown into a simple man. Nay, some might call him a simpleton, but a simple man who was a simpleton he might also have been! This is because he did not really stand out, but neither did he stand in, do you see? You see? Good! In any case, he had grown into a simple man, but he was complicated on the inside. That is because he was training to become a magician. Ah, but he did not wish to become a traditional magician who entertained at parties. Those are communists, and being a simple man, he could never become such a person! So, he wished to become a different kind of magician.

His true legend begins in winter! However, unlike his legend, it did not begin with a fire nor did it have a park. It had a school, which means that this story will have ED-JEW-KAY-SHUN-AL value, as any legend being told that tells of schools will surely do so. This is fact. With that in mind, let me tell you that his true legend began in winter, near night, at school. Because he was a simpleton, he allowed others to take advantage of him, and so he did all of the work that the janitors were being paid to perform. Because of his lack of backbone, he was punished! His punishment came in the form of being stabbed through the heart with a lance - which is always the most suitable for those who allow themselves to be taken advantage of. This is fact. Alas, despite being burned alive in a fire, and stabbed through the heart, he still did not die. Medical experts insist that this must be a fabrication, but they are communists and thus do not have valid opinions.

Therefore his legend! Ah, after he nearly died, but did die, but was saved and thus did not die, he went home. That is because his evening routine was to have tea after a long day of work. Ah, but when he was making tea, he forgot to make it traditional Japanese style, and so the man with the lance appeared to punish him once again! Alas, he was a man who was simple, but cunning. Or perhaps he was a blunted blade which retained its edge when most needed. Or perhaps he was like food weeks past the expiration date which still tastes good when one puts some salad dressing on it. In any case!! The man with the lance could not punish him again. This is because his wish to become a magician caused the world to weep for his desires, and so they gifted him with a magical girl. This magical girl drove away the man with the lance, but no sooner had she done so, but she then did leap over his fence and slash her master's arm. This is because he did not act courteously towards her, which is rude and thus her act was justified. Alas, before she could punish him further, he commanded her to still her blade. Which she did, for all magical girls must obey the commands of simpleton country bumpkins whom are gifted with their power and protection. This can be explained the same way that the moon affects the ebb and flow of the ocean.


..Unfortunately, I never finished this mighty epic. Namely because boredom settled in. XD